Sleepless yet again...

Sleepless yet again...

As the night comes to an end
waiting, wanting and hoping so
all I wish for is a friend
and for a new love to grow

yes I am sleepless...

the pain is ever-growing
lingering and cold
I cant wait another night
I feel desperate and alone

and yes I am sleepless...

winter draws near
I feel ugly and unwanted
like the gray nights upon us
I can't go another night taunted

they are working now, i am sleepy

Buffalosjoeyi

Unfortunate...

Unfortunate...

Lost souls

Lonely nights

Forgotten again

Not a friend in sight
Feelings gone

Uncertainty abound

All the what ifs

I just want to be found...

Buffalosjoeyi

I Dare You...

I dare you...

I dare you make me smile and blush...

I dare you to be happy

I dare you to love again

I dare you to be fullfilled

I dare you to live again

I dare you to be that special person with me

I dare you to open up

I dare you to one day be whole again

I dare you to be yourself with me

I dare you to be mine...

The insanity of the doubtful process...

It is no secret that we all have and feel doubt. It can become riveting to the extreme. Doubt can paralyze us into a sense of never-ending despair. Doubt is an emotion that can ward off most anything. So how can we finally cure ourselves of doubt and what is its true nemesis?

Trust... for when there is trust we leave no room for doubt.

Is the reason we have doubtful feelings because we do not trust, or cannot trust anyone or anything? Can we relearn how to trust, how to love like we have before? Or have we been conditioned by so much anger, hate, greed, pain, loneliness and evil that we will never trust nor love again? In order for ourselves to evaporate these feelings of the unwanted we must first have hope. Hope for a better today, hope for a better tomorrow. and hope for an eternal love. To wish for doubt to just disappear is an act of futility. We must be able to take a leap of faith, if we ever want to put our hearts in the hand of another, When we are well enough and healed enough to trust, only than can doubt be banished.

There is a process...

Doubt can destroy most anything if we let it. We must be strong and trust for this not to happen.  Can we trust if there is no hope? And where does this hope come from? It stems from our memories. We remember how things once were and we long for that feeling to return. In order for that feeling to come to fruition we cannot just dream for it, we must hope for it. Hope for a better future, a better life and a better love comes from a longing for that memory. When we allow that memory to bring hope, we can take that leap of faith to trust and when we trust there is no more doubt. Now that the doubt is erased, one can only then find true love. The insanity of it all is that we must relive this process if we are to ever experience that memory again... for it's the memory, then hope, then faith of trust that drives us from the darkness of doubt and into the light of true love...

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of quietness,,,

As the key slides into the front door and as I open it  up, I sigh. This has been my reality of many days past and I far as I see my future. The sigh is inevitable, it is a signal that once again I am all alone. I have found no solace in this deafening silence lately. It is fall and the season of gray but yet I see no change in sight. The loneliness seems to be getting to me more and more. I am allowed a brief reprieve only every other weekend when my world lights up like a christmas tree and my boys infiltrate the silence. As slow as that time comes it goes by in a flash and the cycle of silence begins again.

When I was younger I was always the life of the party. I was the smiling bartender that kept the peace, The good friend that always lent an ear. I never was alone and never needed to worry about the quiet. Now as I grow older I wonder what the next half of my life has in store for me. I realize that the boys will grow up faster than I want, so I try to have the most memorable fun I can while they are here. This will be short-lived soon it seems. I am faced with the reality that their Mom wants to move away. This will only intensify the quiet that is my life now. What then?  The thing is I miss the companionship of a woman. One whom I can make laugh and enjoy the adult times that so many of you take for granted. I do not mean this in a bad way. I just hear people complain about the menial things in life that someone like me actually misses. I know in my heart that the decisions of my past were the right ones. My relationship with my boys Mom was ruining everyone. We at least can talk civilly now which is a step in the right direction. The reality is though that Delaware County is quiet. I like the quiet at times but It sure would be nice to have the silence broken by someone I could call "babe" , make her laugh and share a meal with.

Many will read this and think..." boy would I kill for some quiet time" . Be careful of what you wish for my friends because sometimes the insanity is that the quietness is blaring, loud and unwanted. It would just be nice to say" um excuse be babe....your snoring again" lol .   I admit I am not wired for being alone so the season of gray is here and the weekend with my boys is near.

Buffalosjoeyi...

The insanity of pain...

She comes in many forms: mental, physical but most painfully emotional. The emotional pain felt when a loved one is hurting, straining and struggling to make it through any obstacle can be draining. I have felt this pain for weeks and months on end. It would be nice to see light at the end of the tunnel, yet the darkness intensifies. It becomes the cloud you learn to live with, the weight that your back and neck carry as if it is another extremity. The wanting for it to pass, to leave and never return never ceases. It is as if there will never be a tomorrow with the happiness you once held dear. You do what you can but to turn your back would be worse. I live with this and try to put up the front of a smiling, happy and interested soul. This is not the case. This intense pain it seems will hang around for as long as it will. It has become the struggle that makes all of life less interesting.

The ability to stay positive is trying at best. This is a must though as those that are close need to feel secure, loved and nurtured. I continue to do what I must, yet the pain inside with not subside. I sometimes feel like a part of me has died. The part of me that loved, laughed and made the time of day fly by. It is the feeling of loving and wanting that I miss most. Having someone that is in tune with what you want from life by your side making every moment all the more real. There are many forms of the internal pain we all live with. I guess it’s how you handle the pain that makes you who you are. We all have it and if not kept in check it really can become insane…

Buffalosjoeyi…

The insanity of the switch

They can be your everything...

and they could never be more...

they can be very believing...

but then they just walk out the door...

In the midst of our grief...

we get tangled in the notion...

that when our heart is shattered....

it was committed without emotion...

Now the days they shall pass...

and we hope they find a chance to heal...

but will they ever really realize...

this love was all they needed to feel...

So we move on with our lives...

we keep an open heart and mind...

hoping that the emptiness inside...

can be filled with love we know we'll find...

Buffalosjoeyi…

The insanity of it all...

There are decisions we all must make that truly are difficult. Mired in the emotions of ones heart, is the sensibility of it all. We know that when the decision is made it either just feels right or it haunts us for eternity. It is apparent that not every decision made from the shoulders up is the right one. If we choose to ignore our hearts our minds are left to make the logical, safe and somewhat easy choice. Decisions of the heart are never easy and always come at a cost. It is this cost we weigh so carefully. Remembering the pain and disappointment never is comfortable. The emotional toll we endure can best be described as the means to an end, but only if unconditional love ever finds it way back.  It easily washes away the frustration and is the cure-all for all that ails a broken heart, ... it only takes three words and a smile. So what if life threw a curve and offered you back what was once lost? What decision does one make? We often times float through our lives window shopping in a fantasy world where we belive that "what ifs",  "if I only did that" or maybe if i just said this all would have been mmmm. Truth be told, many of these fantasies never really come true. We wall in these dreams never sharing their true meaning to a single person. Its only when we look at ourselves in the mirror do we truly see the insanity of what we sometimes wish for. Ask yourself this: what if the world of fantasy did come around? What if all that was lost finally came back and asked for that chance you dreamed of while floating aimlessly in the clouds of doubt? Could you react and take a leap of faith or would you be so scared that the words yes could never even be muttered? The insanity of it all is that these chances rarely come our way, if and when they do, we need to act in heroic fashion. It may not be fair to others nor to loved ones but we get only one shot at this life and it was meant to be lived to its fullest. Say yes, jump hard and fast, breathe slowly and kiss deeply. For if they can make your world stop then the decision was right. Never pass up  the chance for that moment or regret can eat away and muddle that which is all around you. Be honest, truthful and above all never give up for if you do then the what ifs will haunt your every waking moment.And the truly insane thing is... we have all been there...

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of the recent past...

I have cried many tears,

ignored my horrible fears,

I am sober yet I am drowning in my sorrow.

Life could have been great,

but unforseen was my fate,

and i am still sitting, waiting for tomorrow.

I made promises I would have kept,

and dreamed about what ifs while i slept,

but the love in my heart you can no longer just borrow....

Buffalosjoeyi...

A Layered Vision...

A layered vision

In the midst of my dreams I am overcome with emotion…
I contemplate our love and the direction of your devotion.
If life were fairer we would feel fulfilled and content
But yet again our direction is one you want to reinvent.
Our past has been filled with a love for all time
But your vision of where we should go is so much different from mine.
If our dreams were ever to be as we once honestly meant
The cost of sleepless nights and the wondering would be spent
Holding each other and keeping our dream alive
And ensuring our love is true so that this love would thrive.

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of fear...

What keeps us from ever realizing our true potential? Is it the fear of pain, rejection or worse... true happiness? Maybe some in this chaotic world just can't handle the latter or better yet fear it. Bewildered by choices that life offers we often self destruct and in its wake is nothing short of sadness. By a simple expression of ones inner most thoughts, words can be twisted into almost any meaning others want to hear. Is this due to the conditioning of disappointment? Is it really true that intuition is ALWAYS RIGHT? Giving in to your inner demons and sharing true feelings can hurt those you see real potential in. When we say things before thinking, words that are heard are rarely forgotten. This is unfortunate. Sometimes we only listen to what we want because the fear inside us refuses to allow us to hear the whole story. There is always more to it if we hear the true meaning of these words. Sharing ones pain in the hopes of healing and trying to let go of the fear can be maddening. This world needs more people willing to share and also willing to be a part of the healing process. How many of us really has a person in our lives that knows it all about us? Is it impossible to get inside the minds of those around us, into this deep inner sanctum? Acting on intuition and speculation can limit the potential that a good thing just may be just that. When we find something worth exploring why do we choose to not fight for it? Is it the fear of opening up, being real and letting one inside our walls? Sometimes people say what their minds think and have to live with the consequences. Other times it would be nice if the words spoken could be understood or explored so they may learn exactly what makes one tick. The use of the L word is a most powerful tool. When one chooses to express themselves in this light the fear of rejection becomes consuming. Wanting to wait for the right time is truly ones choice. But more importantly the fear of having it stopped being heard is what keeps us from opening new doors and starting anew. The insanity of this notion is why some are never happy, others are alone yet for a choice few it is why they will not give up trying. They know that they will love again. Fear of rejection cannot be what keeps you quiet. The past is just that and it is there to be learned from. Do not let fear stand in your way of finding that diamond in the rough. It is a good thing to be honest and even better when you can admit your faults. Do not let the fear of the past keep you from a future that could be better than what your dreams have shown. It takes work from both parties to make it in this world together. We can all live in the past which is ripe with fear, pain and rejection.... Or we can ignore the insanity and ask forgiveness, hope for a chance, and maybe finally stand up and be heard.

Buffalosjoeyi

Love.Wanting.Waiting.Hope... a blue collar poem

Love.Wanting.Waiting.Hope...

Love...

It keeps you paralyzed by the phone,

Wanting for it to ring again sad you are alone.

Waiting for those special words you hold so dear,

Hoping to hear them again, yet this wish is unclear. 

Wanting...

The wanting  of your love you see

has started to get the very best of me. 

The hopes and dreams shared once long ago 

Are now the only  memories I care to know.

Waiting...

It is the time we spend within our minds 

when we realize this world can be cruel and unkind.

Waiting  for something that seems so ever far away

its the tiime and place unknown that keeps this love at bay.

Hope...

With uncertainty shimmering and clouding all hope

the past remains true and the future a slippery slope.

we cannot let the fear of the unknown discourage our life

because two hearts deserve to be one and become man and wife.

These words are spoken so that it can be known 

As time goes on, with our love, we are never truly alone...

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of regret...

Life at times is unfair, its painful and its well.... life. Everyday we are faced with choices that may or may not be good for us. We follow our heart when we should follow our head and vice versa. Many times we make the wrong choice for what we believe are the right reasons. Maybe we trade short-term happiness for the unknown, other times we wait too long and miss out on pure bliss. Why do we let what we cannot have become such an impactful barrier? Knowing what we want is only half of the battle. We need assistance in making our dreams reality and finding the other half. If one is not ready when the other is we risk becoming irrelevant to the rest of what life offers. Knowing this, the decisions become paralyzing. Giving everything you have to ones heart is the equivalent to being stranded in a storm.  You spend what feels like an eternity looking for that ray of light, hoping for the best but always preparing for yourself for what seems inevitable. The loss of a piece of ones heart. Is walking away from what could be the best thing in your life a choice worth pondering? Can the pain ever again be replaced with something better? It seems the insanity and fear of regret can keep us from truly experiencing a love that could stand the test of time. Is the short-term pain worth the effort one must give for that feeling? Only those whom have experienced that unadulterated feeling can accurately answer this. Once bitten by the bug of true, unconditional love and crushed by its loss can we understand the gravity of these decisions life asks us so boldly to answer. We never forget the pain, yet we long for that feeling of becoming one with another just like we remember. Walking away from a chance to have what we've known is the regret we all fear. The insanity of it all is sometimes we know its best but never bother to care. We take that leap of faith knowing that in the end the pain with surface... or will this time be different? Being afraid to love again is ok, being scared is fine too, however the fear of regret cannot be the driver that steers you out of that storm. We must be willing to experience the possibility of excruciating pain over and over again  in hopes of finding that which we spend a lifetime looking for. If we don't then we actually do become irrelevant.

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of success....

We all judge our own personal success differently. There are  those that measure it in how much money they have or  other material goods. Some measure it in how far up the  corporate ladder they have climbed. Others hang their 100k  diplomas on their walls and yet sadly some measure it  by how much they can steal to score another buzz.

I recently  became fixated on my own success, or in my eyes lack there  of. I recently withdrew from my summer semester. Yes folks i am 42 and do not possess a degree. I had to come to grips with the fact that life had become very complicated. My situation is much different now than the previous two years, See, i am finally divorced. It's a bittersweet ending to a long struggle that my followers know all too well. In the divorce decree i was awarded every other week in the summer time. My boys are older so time for me needed to be spent on them, not excel spreadsheets that honestly i will never use again.  But here is where it all came to a head for me.

I went golfing with a new colleague (don't get the wrong idea here folks, I go six times a year max) and afterwards we had one of those conversations that I will never forget. He tried to tell me he felt like a failure when we first met due to his seemingly arrogant approach. The problem had been not with him, the way we met or anything else for that matter. The problem was the one word he said, when he said it, I felt like an Army Vet whom experiences the flood of emotion during a bout with PTSD. My brain became awash with the word and what it meant to me. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. As we sat on my tailgate I looked into his big, unassuming and inexperienced eyes and said: 'kid, let me tell you something about failure".  I proceeded to explain to him how the last four months of my life had become some of the darkest I had ever known.  Work was the only place I had left to find normalcy in an otherwise jumbled mess of an existence I had been so desperately trying to avoid. But that word "failure" hit me so hard it actually hurt. This twenty-six year old-young man never saw this conversation coming, nor did he think nine holes of golf would teach him a lesson about life that i am sure he will carry for the rest of his life. You see the word failure had been swimming in my mind for weeks. I had been questioning myself and who I had become. My work, to my standards was starting to slip. My marriage had failed, I felt like I failed my boys and now I had failed myself and my employer because I could not handle the summer classes. Now looking back after a couple of weeks I see clearly that I was in fact quite wrong about myself, my kids and my career.  Once I spilled everything out onto Mr. 26, I realized I was crying, I was vulnerable and actually relieved . It was a release that was triggered by one word and that one word alone. So now you must be wondering what was his response... utter disbelief. See I had been carrying so much inside that when I heard him say that word... The floodgates just opened up. For all intents and purposes I didn't mean to explain myself to him, but it couldn't be stopped. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. My mom nearly died of a brain bleed due to leukemia, a close friend and I had parted ways, the divorce was finalized, I lost my motivation for school, I came to the realization I was alone in my world now that my ex and kids moved....Oh I could go on but you get the drift.  Now here is where the insanity of success come to fruition. The next day I had to tell my new boss of six months that I dropped out of the semester. My company pays the school bill so I had no idea what to expect. My boss has been one of the few that actually knows what was going on with me so to disappoint him was hard to face. He told me in no certain terms had I failed. What he did say is that if I didn't go back then I fail. I was shocked and dismayed at the understanding. I guess I didn't know what to expect but I can tell you I thought the worst would come. So now I had to tell HR, which was another huge deal for me. But before I told them I sought out our company Industrial physiologist for advice.  He was amazing, simply put. He explained that we all fall into the darkness at one time or another but that these are just "moments in time, and they too shall pass". Those words were so profound to me. We talked at length about success and the true meaning of the word. I will summarize it as best I can from what I learned from him on that day of awakening....

I now have a clear understanding of my success. My success is getting out of the truck, waiting for my boys to get out, and having them want to hold my hand. Success is having the boys wait patiently for the tuck in routine (kiss, hug, wiggle nose, high-five, hand shake, thumb war and the finally....rocks paper scissors two out of three with a barrage of tickling in between. Success for me is hearing a perfect stranger whom never met my boys tell me after an hour and a half that "I should be proud at how well-mannered, sweet and polite your boys are".  It is having a colleague tell you when it is least expected that you are actually revered and respected regardless of your educational background. It's having your true friends want to be there for you every step of the way while you stumble. And finally, success is hearing a smile through the phone.

It is insane to think that I dreamed of success being anything more than hearing your children say "daddy I love you".  We all struggle with life, but the insane thing is; success is nothing without the love and respect of your peers, your friends both new and old and more importantly your children.

Buffalosjoeyi...

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents... This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/ And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711

The insanity of tines...

It is amazing how many forks in the road the last two years have arrived at my feet.  

There was for a long time, a wanting to just give up and throw in the towel. I am very happy to say that I never did. The road to a renewed self has been a difficult one. The tines have poked and prodded me to places I never thought I would go. I have suffered heartbreak and loss of family, yet I have a better sense of who I am and for the first time in many years....clarity.  From a professional standpoint I am satisfied where I have landed. Yet emotionally my life has been a rollercoaster littered with ups and downs that have unleashed many nights of tears but more importantly words. Blogging has saved me from looking at the bottom of a bottle for answers. I do not yet have all of my questions answered, however I am sober due to a choice long ago where the fork of temptation could have led me astray.  Many nights I wanted to just give in to these evil temptations yet the love of my sons and the wanting of a better, clearer and more defined sense of self have driven me to be something better. I know now that I am a better Daddy than before the major fork of divorce was glaring in my sight. My boys have been my rocks and continue daily to teach me the value of self-respect and worth.  I have struggled with much over the last two years since the blogs inception.  One thing that has brought me clarity though is the adult friendships I have forged during the most difficult period of my life.  These forks of friendship have been life changing, heartbreaking and rewarding. It has seemed that when one door closes, another opens to a destiny that may or may not be life altering. Just the same it could be exactly what was needed at that moment in time.  At my age I still do not feel close to having the answers to which I seek. What is worth noting though is that I feel as young and spry in my mind as I did when I was half my current age...Its just a number and with it comes the experiences of life and the lessons learned or ignored. The insanity for myself is being able to fight through the tines, not being afraid of the pain a road may lead me down. I have suffered enough to know that I can, will and shall survive to live another day, to love again and to smile at my reflection knowing I have done all that I can do. I am proud that two years have passed and I survived. I never thought for a moment back then that I was capable of surviving my situation, let alone have the courage to help many others at the same insane fork of life. I am grateful to the many whom have helped along this journey and thankful for the new people in my life. Without all of you I may not have made it to write this blog today.

The insanity of it all is that the tines of life can poke and prod all they want. I am prepared for anything.  I will fight through it all. I have been broken, crushed and alone yet I am still here to see what the forks of life have in store for me... And on the hopes and dreams that I hold close to my heart...I will never give up, give in nor throw the switch...

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of reflections...

I guess it really all starts with our reflections...

We all know the real person inside of them. Left with that knowledge we venture out into the world. Slowly, building walls we know very few will ever dare crawl over.  Those people who do make an attempt are the ones worth keeping in your life.  Why do we fear who we really are? And why do we allow only a chosen few inside the real us? We hide behind the veil of imitation, pretending to be something we know down deep we really are not. We despise the truth at times. When faced with a decision we look into our reflections and ask the questions we fear to speak aloud. Sometimes hoping the answers are mouthed back. These answers we seek are almost never found in the reflections we see but are felt from within our own skin. It is that which are heart tells us to be the truth that we then must follow. This brings forth the leap of faith we must endure. When a person climbs your walls we are left with a choice. One can build bigger walls or finally give in to the truth we sought in our reflections but already knew in our hearts. It is the absurdity of our own insecurities that keeps us from ever feeling truly like ourselves. In order to become whom we know we can be, our walls must be breached. Our minds need to be open and our hearts forgiving. We will never truly be happy until we finally set our hearts free, ease our minds and give in to the reality we avoid. The path to true happiness is never paved alone. It is only when the senselessness of our insecurities disrupts our path, prevents the walls from falling and keeps true love away do we look at our reflections and mouth those words....why!!!!!...

The ones worth keeping in your life are also the ones we must continue to fight for. It is this fight that keeps our fires inside burning. The unmistakable wanting of it all is...we need to love that reflection, yet for some...the insanity is only quelled by the touch, the feel and the warmth from the climber of your walls. They are few and far between yet if you find one.... they are worth an eternity to wait for. Unconditional love is the cure we all seek. We get one shot at this life, do not waste it pushing those who chose to make that climb back over the edge. Although they may have needed to rest from the climb, do not shun them for their own insecurities. For you may regret the insanity you feel looking back from that reflection for the rest of your days...

Buffalosjoeyi