We all judge our own personal success differently. There are those that measure it in how much money
they have or other material goods. Some measure it in how far up the corporate ladder they have climbed. Others hang their 100k diplomas on their walls and yet sadly some measure it by how much they can steal to score another buzz.
I recently became fixated on my own success, or in my eyes lack there of. I recently withdrew from my summer semester. Yes folks i am 42 and do not possess a degree. I had to come to grips with the fact that life had become very complicated. My situation is much different now than the previous two years, See, i am finally
divorced. It's a bittersweet ending to a long struggle that my followers know all too well. In the divorce decree i was awarded every other week in the
summer time.
My boys are older so time for me needed to be spent on them, not excel spreadsheets that honestly i will never use again. But here is where it all came to a head for me.
I went golfing with a new colleague (don't get the wrong idea here folks, I go six times a year max) and afterwards we had one of those conversations that I will never forget. He tried to tell me he felt like a failure when we first met due to his seemingly arrogant approach. The problem had been not with him, the way we met or anything else for that matter. The problem was the one word he said, when he said it, I felt like an
Army Vet whom experiences the flood of emotion during a bout with
PTSD. My brain became awash with the word and what it meant to me. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. As we sat on my tailgate I looked into his big, unassuming and inexperienced eyes and said: 'kid, let me tell you something about failure". I proceeded to explain to him how the last four months of my life had become some of the darkest I had ever known. Work was the only place I had left to find normalcy in an otherwise jumbled mess of an existence I had been so desperately trying to avoid. But that word "failure" hit me so hard it actually hurt. This twenty-six year old-young man never saw this conversation coming, nor did he think nine holes of golf would teach him a lesson about life that i am sure he will carry for the rest of his life. You see the word failure had been swimming in my mind for weeks. I had been questioning myself and who I had become. My work, to my standards was starting to slip. My marriage had failed, I felt like I failed my boys and now I had failed myself and my employer because I could not handle the summer classes. Now looking back after a couple of weeks I see clearly that I was in fact quite wrong about myself, my kids and my career. Once I spilled everything out onto Mr. 26, I realized I was crying, I was vulnerable and actually relieved . It was a release that was triggered by one word and that one word alone. So now you must be wondering what was his response... utter disbelief. See I had been carrying so much inside that when I heard him say that word... The floodgates just opened up. For all intents and purposes I didn't mean to explain myself to him, but it couldn't be stopped. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. My mom nearly died of a brain bleed due to leukemia, a close friend and I had parted ways, the divorce was finalized, I lost my motivation for school, I came to the realization I was alone in my world now that my ex and kids moved....Oh I could go on but you get the drift. Now here is where the insanity of success come to fruition. The next day I had to tell my new boss of six months that I dropped out of the semester. My company pays the school bill so I had no idea what to expect. My boss has been one of the few that actually knows what was going on with me so to disappoint him was hard to face. He told me in no certain terms had I failed. What he did say is that if I didn't go back then I
fail. I was shocked and dismayed at the understanding. I guess I didn't know what to expect but I can tell you I thought the worst would come. So now I had to tell HR, which was another huge deal for me. But before I told them I sought out our company Industrial physiologist for advice. He was amazing, simply put. He explained that we all fall into the darkness at one time or another but that these are just "moments in time, and they too shall pass". Those
words were so profound to me. We talked at length about success and the true meaning of the word. I will summarize it as best I can from what I learned from him on that day of awakening....
I now have a clear understanding of my success. My success is getting out of the truck, waiting for my boys to get out, and having them want to hold my hand. Success is having the boys wait patiently for the tuck in routine (kiss, hug, wiggle nose, high-five,
hand shake, thumb war and the finally....rocks paper scissors two out of three with a barrage of tickling in between. Success for me is hearing a perfect stranger whom never met my boys tell me after an hour and a half that "I should be proud at how well-mannered, sweet and polite your boys are". It is having a colleague tell you when it is least expected that you are actually revered and respected regardless of your educational background. It's having your true friends want to be there for you every step of the way while you stumble. And finally, success is hearing a smile through the phone.
It is insane to think that I dreamed of success being anything more than hearing your children say "daddy I love you". We all struggle with life, but the insane thing is; success is nothing without the love and respect of your peers, your friends both new and old and more importantly your children.
Buffalosjoeyi...
