The insanity of promises broken...

                                                

We shared a love that was surely grand

you are perfect still even today

I wanted our love to learn to withstand

everything they would dare to say...

 

Will we ever be together?

probably not

I always refused to say never

and bravely gave it my best shot.

 

I realize now that I may be a fool

thinking I could be the one

but your love made me feel so cool

does a broken promise means we're done?

 

We never even speak anymore

who knows what you think in your head

It just means I will need to find another door

because broken promises don't mean I'm dead 

 

I have lived with the suffering and pain too long

broken promises, I need to let go

I will rejoice again to sing another song

yet the healing of my broken heart is slow...

 

Buffalos Joey I

The insanity of my darkness...

The insanity of my darkness...













Hopeful I was when we last met
I am now but forgotten
I was filled with happiness and emotion
I wipe the tears with worn cotton

I have seen greatness in rare form
My tunnel has now lost its light
Beauty inside, a heart that's warm
Yet my own now feels the fright

The love I have it's always yours
Yet you have turned off the switch
It is pure, continues and it soars
I miss your light, hoping it's no glitch


Buffalos Joeyi I

Utter tranquility...

There is no better feeling than sand between the toes

Except the warm touch of your lips

The smell of your hair, you know how the story goes...

I do that while holding your hips

Your eyes as wide and innocent as could be

I see everlasting beauty my dear

Remembering your last kiss with me...

was it our last is what I fear

To my heart and my mind

 utter tranquility you give

what are the chances that i could find

any other way to live? 

Buffalos Joey I

The insanity of just me and the tree, 2013 edition

This blog still rings true even this year. Much has changed in my life since the separation/divorce. I still feel the pain and emptiness of being alone. The visits with my boys are much better and our relationships have grown. I am a very proud Daddy. This will mark the third Christmas I spend alone yet I feel like I am turning a corner.  My life is not where I hoped it would be but I am not complaining as it could be much worse.

As the smile in the new photo shows, a good conversation and an all around fun family day can help to ease the pain that is hidden. I am fortunate to have met people recently that are genuine, honest and absolutely hilarious! 2014 is looking to hopefully be one that big changes occur. Maybe not the ones I thought, but change just the same. Will all of my dreams come true? “Probably Not” but I am ok with it… I have to be.

I am wishing everyone a warm, fun filled and amazing Holiday Season… But just be thankful for what you have… And hope and wish for a better tomorrow.

Please remember those less fortunate this Holiday season and pay it forward…You may be surprised at how it really makes you feel!

(2011)

The sad realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not only going to be alone with my tree on Christmas morning but I will also not experience the waking up to excited kids. I will be and am thankful that I will get to spend Christmas Eve with my boys though. We were able to keep a certain tradition alive this past weekend. We traveled to a local tree farm and cut down what is thought to be the best Christmas tree ever. It was a challenge to put up but we managed and it is perfect. The day was great and we met some wonderful people. The boys were overjoyed at the whole experience and I went to bed that night extremely grateful that the tradition, although slightly different, was kept alive. The saddest part of this new beginning in my life is that I will miss out on a lot of the special times. This motivates me to create our own memories that I truly hope last a lifetime. The boys  seem to be adjusting well to our  new situation. Their living arrangement has settled down and they seem to like their new school as well. They have made me very proud with all they have been through.We have three weeks until the trial for custody and visitation. I am very nervous on how this will all pan out. I am hoping for the best but planning for the worst as they say.

The sad part of all this is the boys and how they will feel on Christmas morning. I really can’t get this out of my mind as the time grows near. I am sure they will be happy with what Santa has done this year. They told me they look forward to our visit. Maybe it is me I am worried about. This will be the very first Christmas in my life that I will be totally alone. I am not really sure what to expect after I take them home on Christmas Eve. I live pretty far from my home town and the thought of driving five hours is not appealing. I do not wish to be alone on this day though. Some friends have asked me to visit and it is what I should do. It’s hard to decide though. I still cannot imagine that special day without my boys. I realize I have much to be thankful for. I have good health, great kids and a good career. It could be worse and I know that I will survive. I have been blessed with much support from my group online and family as well.

So as I look at my tree and think “yup it’s just me”

I still feel lucky to be free……. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711

Buffalos Joey I

The insanity of the heart...

The madness and insanity
The fear and despair
Of ones heart being alone
Is almost too much to bear...
If only you knew
The wondrous love that awaits
And cared a little more
To accept ones fate
To take a leap of faith
Is all I ever asked
You shouldn't wait any longer
Let your heart become unmasked
Open up to it all
Do not be afraid anymore
One mustn't wait too long to fall
Because true love is at your hearts door...

Buffalos Joey l

The insanity of my smile...

It was once an everyday occurrence
And then you were gone
The hope you would return
Was a dream that would never spawn
In the face of depression, sadness and despair
I had no more feeling and really did not care.
Its now coming back,
albeit slow
New friendships shall be forged
This I do know
Saying goodbye to the past
is painful to bare
The insanity is,
not everyone will care
My smile is mine
The cost of it is free
I am sharing it willingly
Why don't you join me...

Buffalos Joey I

Simply put...

There is no other way
I refuse to sit back
I have something to say

Time is forever flying by
Waiting patiently for you
I hold back the tears and sigh

You are my dear
My everything forever
The loss of your love is what I fear

I am strong yet broken
Hurting in every way
These words are my small token

Simply put…
I love you

Buffalos Joey I

Sleepless yet again...

Sleepless yet again...

As the night comes to an end
waiting, wanting and hoping so
all I wish for is a friend
and for a new love to grow

yes I am sleepless...

the pain is ever-growing
lingering and cold
I cant wait another night
I feel desperate and alone

and yes I am sleepless...

winter draws near
I feel ugly and unwanted
like the gray nights upon us
I can't go another night taunted

they are working now, i am sleepy

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of the doubtful process...

It is no secret that we all have and feel doubt. It can become riveting to the extreme. Doubt can paralyze us into a sense of never-ending despair. Doubt is an emotion that can ward off most anything. So how can we finally cure ourselves of doubt and what is its true nemesis?

Trust... for when there is trust we leave no room for doubt.

Is the reason we have doubtful feelings because we do not trust, or cannot trust anyone or anything? Can we relearn how to trust, how to love like we have before? Or have we been conditioned by so much anger, hate, greed, pain, loneliness and evil that we will never trust nor love again? In order for ourselves to evaporate these feelings of the unwanted we must first have hope. Hope for a better today, hope for a better tomorrow. and hope for an eternal love. To wish for doubt to just disappear is an act of futility. We must be able to take a leap of faith, if we ever want to put our hearts in the hand of another, When we are well enough and healed enough to trust, only than can doubt be banished.

There is a process...

Doubt can destroy most anything if we let it. We must be strong and trust for this not to happen.  Can we trust if there is no hope? And where does this hope come from? It stems from our memories. We remember how things once were and we long for that feeling to return. In order for that feeling to come to fruition we cannot just dream for it, we must hope for it. Hope for a better future, a better life and a better love comes from a longing for that memory. When we allow that memory to bring hope, we can take that leap of faith to trust and when we trust there is no more doubt. Now that the doubt is erased, one can only then find true love. The insanity of it all is that we must relive this process if we are to ever experience that memory again... for it's the memory, then hope, then faith of trust that drives us from the darkness of doubt and into the light of true love...

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of quietness,,,

As the key slides into the front door and as I open it  up, I sigh. This has been my reality of many days past and I far as I see my future. The sigh is inevitable, it is a signal that once again I am all alone. I have found no solace in this deafening silence lately. It is fall and the season of gray but yet I see no change in sight. The loneliness seems to be getting to me more and more. I am allowed a brief reprieve only every other weekend when my world lights up like a christmas tree and my boys infiltrate the silence. As slow as that time comes it goes by in a flash and the cycle of silence begins again.

When I was younger I was always the life of the party. I was the smiling bartender that kept the peace, The good friend that always lent an ear. I never was alone and never needed to worry about the quiet. Now as I grow older I wonder what the next half of my life has in store for me. I realize that the boys will grow up faster than I want, so I try to have the most memorable fun I can while they are here. This will be short-lived soon it seems. I am faced with the reality that their Mom wants to move away. This will only intensify the quiet that is my life now. What then?  The thing is I miss the companionship of a woman. One whom I can make laugh and enjoy the adult times that so many of you take for granted. I do not mean this in a bad way. I just hear people complain about the menial things in life that someone like me actually misses. I know in my heart that the decisions of my past were the right ones. My relationship with my boys Mom was ruining everyone. We at least can talk civilly now which is a step in the right direction. The reality is though that Delaware County is quiet. I like the quiet at times but It sure would be nice to have the silence broken by someone I could call "babe" , make her laugh and share a meal with.

Many will read this and think..." boy would I kill for some quiet time" . Be careful of what you wish for my friends because sometimes the insanity is that the quietness is blaring, loud and unwanted. It would just be nice to say" um excuse be babe....your snoring again" lol .   I admit I am not wired for being alone so the season of gray is here and the weekend with my boys is near.

Buffalosjoeyi...

The insanity of pain...

She comes in many forms: mental, physical but most painfully emotional. The emotional pain felt when a loved one is hurting, straining and struggling to make it through any obstacle can be draining. I have felt this pain for weeks and months on end. It would be nice to see light at the end of the tunnel, yet the darkness intensifies. It becomes the cloud you learn to live with, the weight that your back and neck carry as if it is another extremity. The wanting for it to pass, to leave and never return never ceases. It is as if there will never be a tomorrow with the happiness you once held dear. You do what you can but to turn your back would be worse. I live with this and try to put up the front of a smiling, happy and interested soul. This is not the case. This intense pain it seems will hang around for as long as it will. It has become the struggle that makes all of life less interesting.

The ability to stay positive is trying at best. This is a must though as those that are close need to feel secure, loved and nurtured. I continue to do what I must, yet the pain inside with not subside. I sometimes feel like a part of me has died. The part of me that loved, laughed and made the time of day fly by. It is the feeling of loving and wanting that I miss most. Having someone that is in tune with what you want from life by your side making every moment all the more real. There are many forms of the internal pain we all live with. I guess it’s how you handle the pain that makes you who you are. We all have it and if not kept in check it really can become insane…

Buffalosjoeyi…

The insanity of the switch

They can be your everything...

and they could never be more...

they can be very believing...

but then they just walk out the door...

In the midst of our grief...

we get tangled in the notion...

that when our heart is shattered....

it was committed without emotion...

Now the days they shall pass...

and we hope they find a chance to heal...

but will they ever really realize...

this love was all they needed to feel...

So we move on with our lives...

we keep an open heart and mind...

hoping that the emptiness inside...

can be filled with love we know we'll find...

Buffalosjoeyi…

The insanity of it all...

There are decisions we all must make that truly are difficult. Mired in the emotions of ones heart, is the sensibility of it all. We know that when the decision is made it either just feels right or it haunts us for eternity. It is apparent that not every decision made from the shoulders up is the right one. If we choose to ignore our hearts our minds are left to make the logical, safe and somewhat easy choice. Decisions of the heart are never easy and always come at a cost. It is this cost we weigh so carefully. Remembering the pain and disappointment never is comfortable. The emotional toll we endure can best be described as the means to an end, but only if unconditional love ever finds it way back.  It easily washes away the frustration and is the cure-all for all that ails a broken heart, ... it only takes three words and a smile. So what if life threw a curve and offered you back what was once lost? What decision does one make? We often times float through our lives window shopping in a fantasy world where we belive that "what ifs",  "if I only did that" or maybe if i just said this all would have been mmmm. Truth be told, many of these fantasies never really come true. We wall in these dreams never sharing their true meaning to a single person. Its only when we look at ourselves in the mirror do we truly see the insanity of what we sometimes wish for. Ask yourself this: what if the world of fantasy did come around? What if all that was lost finally came back and asked for that chance you dreamed of while floating aimlessly in the clouds of doubt? Could you react and take a leap of faith or would you be so scared that the words yes could never even be muttered? The insanity of it all is that these chances rarely come our way, if and when they do, we need to act in heroic fashion. It may not be fair to others nor to loved ones but we get only one shot at this life and it was meant to be lived to its fullest. Say yes, jump hard and fast, breathe slowly and kiss deeply. For if they can make your world stop then the decision was right. Never pass up  the chance for that moment or regret can eat away and muddle that which is all around you. Be honest, truthful and above all never give up for if you do then the what ifs will haunt your every waking moment.And the truly insane thing is... we have all been there...

Buffalosjoeyi