The insanity of success....

We all judge our own personal success differently. There are  those that measure it in how much money they have or  other material goods. Some measure it in how far up the  corporate ladder they have climbed. Others hang their 100k  diplomas on their walls and yet sadly some measure it  by how much they can steal to score another buzz.

I recently  became fixated on my own success, or in my eyes lack there  of. I recently withdrew from my summer semester. Yes folks i am 42 and do not possess a degree. I had to come to grips with the fact that life had become very complicated. My situation is much different now than the previous two years, See, i am finally divorced. It's a bittersweet ending to a long struggle that my followers know all too well. In the divorce decree i was awarded every other week in the summer time. My boys are older so time for me needed to be spent on them, not excel spreadsheets that honestly i will never use again.  But here is where it all came to a head for me.

I went golfing with a new colleague (don't get the wrong idea here folks, I go six times a year max) and afterwards we had one of those conversations that I will never forget. He tried to tell me he felt like a failure when we first met due to his seemingly arrogant approach. The problem had been not with him, the way we met or anything else for that matter. The problem was the one word he said, when he said it, I felt like an Army Vet whom experiences the flood of emotion during a bout with PTSD. My brain became awash with the word and what it meant to me. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. As we sat on my tailgate I looked into his big, unassuming and inexperienced eyes and said: 'kid, let me tell you something about failure".  I proceeded to explain to him how the last four months of my life had become some of the darkest I had ever known.  Work was the only place I had left to find normalcy in an otherwise jumbled mess of an existence I had been so desperately trying to avoid. But that word "failure" hit me so hard it actually hurt. This twenty-six year old-young man never saw this conversation coming, nor did he think nine holes of golf would teach him a lesson about life that i am sure he will carry for the rest of his life. You see the word failure had been swimming in my mind for weeks. I had been questioning myself and who I had become. My work, to my standards was starting to slip. My marriage had failed, I felt like I failed my boys and now I had failed myself and my employer because I could not handle the summer classes. Now looking back after a couple of weeks I see clearly that I was in fact quite wrong about myself, my kids and my career.  Once I spilled everything out onto Mr. 26, I realized I was crying, I was vulnerable and actually relieved . It was a release that was triggered by one word and that one word alone. So now you must be wondering what was his response... utter disbelief. See I had been carrying so much inside that when I heard him say that word... The floodgates just opened up. For all intents and purposes I didn't mean to explain myself to him, but it couldn't be stopped. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. My mom nearly died of a brain bleed due to leukemia, a close friend and I had parted ways, the divorce was finalized, I lost my motivation for school, I came to the realization I was alone in my world now that my ex and kids moved....Oh I could go on but you get the drift.  Now here is where the insanity of success come to fruition. The next day I had to tell my new boss of six months that I dropped out of the semester. My company pays the school bill so I had no idea what to expect. My boss has been one of the few that actually knows what was going on with me so to disappoint him was hard to face. He told me in no certain terms had I failed. What he did say is that if I didn't go back then I fail. I was shocked and dismayed at the understanding. I guess I didn't know what to expect but I can tell you I thought the worst would come. So now I had to tell HR, which was another huge deal for me. But before I told them I sought out our company Industrial physiologist for advice.  He was amazing, simply put. He explained that we all fall into the darkness at one time or another but that these are just "moments in time, and they too shall pass". Those words were so profound to me. We talked at length about success and the true meaning of the word. I will summarize it as best I can from what I learned from him on that day of awakening....

I now have a clear understanding of my success. My success is getting out of the truck, waiting for my boys to get out, and having them want to hold my hand. Success is having the boys wait patiently for the tuck in routine (kiss, hug, wiggle nose, high-five, hand shake, thumb war and the finally....rocks paper scissors two out of three with a barrage of tickling in between. Success for me is hearing a perfect stranger whom never met my boys tell me after an hour and a half that "I should be proud at how well-mannered, sweet and polite your boys are".  It is having a colleague tell you when it is least expected that you are actually revered and respected regardless of your educational background. It's having your true friends want to be there for you every step of the way while you stumble. And finally, success is hearing a smile through the phone.

It is insane to think that I dreamed of success being anything more than hearing your children say "daddy I love you".  We all struggle with life, but the insane thing is; success is nothing without the love and respect of your peers, your friends both new and old and more importantly your children.

Buffalosjoeyi...

Thanks for reading and I would hope that you could take a minute to visit my support group and page, like it, support it and stand up for what is right…Kids Deserve Both Parents... This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/ And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711

The insanity of tines...

It is amazing how many forks in the road the last two years have arrived at my feet.  

There was for a long time, a wanting to just give up and throw in the towel. I am very happy to say that I never did. The road to a renewed self has been a difficult one. The tines have poked and prodded me to places I never thought I would go. I have suffered heartbreak and loss of family, yet I have a better sense of who I am and for the first time in many years....clarity.  From a professional standpoint I am satisfied where I have landed. Yet emotionally my life has been a rollercoaster littered with ups and downs that have unleashed many nights of tears but more importantly words. Blogging has saved me from looking at the bottom of a bottle for answers. I do not yet have all of my questions answered, however I am sober due to a choice long ago where the fork of temptation could have led me astray.  Many nights I wanted to just give in to these evil temptations yet the love of my sons and the wanting of a better, clearer and more defined sense of self have driven me to be something better. I know now that I am a better Daddy than before the major fork of divorce was glaring in my sight. My boys have been my rocks and continue daily to teach me the value of self-respect and worth.  I have struggled with much over the last two years since the blogs inception.  One thing that has brought me clarity though is the adult friendships I have forged during the most difficult period of my life.  These forks of friendship have been life changing, heartbreaking and rewarding. It has seemed that when one door closes, another opens to a destiny that may or may not be life altering. Just the same it could be exactly what was needed at that moment in time.  At my age I still do not feel close to having the answers to which I seek. What is worth noting though is that I feel as young and spry in my mind as I did when I was half my current age...Its just a number and with it comes the experiences of life and the lessons learned or ignored. The insanity for myself is being able to fight through the tines, not being afraid of the pain a road may lead me down. I have suffered enough to know that I can, will and shall survive to live another day, to love again and to smile at my reflection knowing I have done all that I can do. I am proud that two years have passed and I survived. I never thought for a moment back then that I was capable of surviving my situation, let alone have the courage to help many others at the same insane fork of life. I am grateful to the many whom have helped along this journey and thankful for the new people in my life. Without all of you I may not have made it to write this blog today.

The insanity of it all is that the tines of life can poke and prod all they want. I am prepared for anything.  I will fight through it all. I have been broken, crushed and alone yet I am still here to see what the forks of life have in store for me... And on the hopes and dreams that I hold close to my heart...I will never give up, give in nor throw the switch...

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of reflections...

I guess it really all starts with our reflections...

We all know the real person inside of them. Left with that knowledge we venture out into the world. Slowly, building walls we know very few will ever dare crawl over.  Those people who do make an attempt are the ones worth keeping in your life.  Why do we fear who we really are? And why do we allow only a chosen few inside the real us? We hide behind the veil of imitation, pretending to be something we know down deep we really are not. We despise the truth at times. When faced with a decision we look into our reflections and ask the questions we fear to speak aloud. Sometimes hoping the answers are mouthed back. These answers we seek are almost never found in the reflections we see but are felt from within our own skin. It is that which are heart tells us to be the truth that we then must follow. This brings forth the leap of faith we must endure. When a person climbs your walls we are left with a choice. One can build bigger walls or finally give in to the truth we sought in our reflections but already knew in our hearts. It is the absurdity of our own insecurities that keeps us from ever feeling truly like ourselves. In order to become whom we know we can be, our walls must be breached. Our minds need to be open and our hearts forgiving. We will never truly be happy until we finally set our hearts free, ease our minds and give in to the reality we avoid. The path to true happiness is never paved alone. It is only when the senselessness of our insecurities disrupts our path, prevents the walls from falling and keeps true love away do we look at our reflections and mouth those words....why!!!!!...

The ones worth keeping in your life are also the ones we must continue to fight for. It is this fight that keeps our fires inside burning. The unmistakable wanting of it all is...we need to love that reflection, yet for some...the insanity is only quelled by the touch, the feel and the warmth from the climber of your walls. They are few and far between yet if you find one.... they are worth an eternity to wait for. Unconditional love is the cure we all seek. We get one shot at this life, do not waste it pushing those who chose to make that climb back over the edge. Although they may have needed to rest from the climb, do not shun them for their own insecurities. For you may regret the insanity you feel looking back from that reflection for the rest of your days...

Buffalosjoeyi