The insanity of promises broken...

                                                

We shared a love that was surely grand

you are perfect still even today

I wanted our love to learn to withstand

everything they would dare to say...

 

Will we ever be together?

probably not

I always refused to say never

and bravely gave it my best shot.

 

I realize now that I may be a fool

thinking I could be the one

but your love made me feel so cool

does a broken promise means we're done?

 

We never even speak anymore

who knows what you think in your head

It just means I will need to find another door

because broken promises don't mean I'm dead 

 

I have lived with the suffering and pain too long

broken promises, I need to let go

I will rejoice again to sing another song

yet the healing of my broken heart is slow...

 

Buffalos Joey I

The insanity of my darkness...

The insanity of my darkness...













Hopeful I was when we last met
I am now but forgotten
I was filled with happiness and emotion
I wipe the tears with worn cotton

I have seen greatness in rare form
My tunnel has now lost its light
Beauty inside, a heart that's warm
Yet my own now feels the fright

The love I have it's always yours
Yet you have turned off the switch
It is pure, continues and it soars
I miss your light, hoping it's no glitch


Buffalos Joeyi I

Utter tranquility...

There is no better feeling than sand between the toes

Except the warm touch of your lips

The smell of your hair, you know how the story goes...

I do that while holding your hips

Your eyes as wide and innocent as could be

I see everlasting beauty my dear

Remembering your last kiss with me...

was it our last is what I fear

To my heart and my mind

 utter tranquility you give

what are the chances that i could find

any other way to live? 

Buffalos Joey I

The insanity of just me and the tree, 2013 edition

This blog still rings true even this year. Much has changed in my life since the separation/divorce. I still feel the pain and emptiness of being alone. The visits with my boys are much better and our relationships have grown. I am a very proud Daddy. This will mark the third Christmas I spend alone yet I feel like I am turning a corner.  My life is not where I hoped it would be but I am not complaining as it could be much worse.

As the smile in the new photo shows, a good conversation and an all around fun family day can help to ease the pain that is hidden. I am fortunate to have met people recently that are genuine, honest and absolutely hilarious! 2014 is looking to hopefully be one that big changes occur. Maybe not the ones I thought, but change just the same. Will all of my dreams come true? “Probably Not” but I am ok with it… I have to be.

I am wishing everyone a warm, fun filled and amazing Holiday Season… But just be thankful for what you have… And hope and wish for a better tomorrow.

Please remember those less fortunate this Holiday season and pay it forward…You may be surprised at how it really makes you feel!

(2011)

The sad realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I am not only going to be alone with my tree on Christmas morning but I will also not experience the waking up to excited kids. I will be and am thankful that I will get to spend Christmas Eve with my boys though. We were able to keep a certain tradition alive this past weekend. We traveled to a local tree farm and cut down what is thought to be the best Christmas tree ever. It was a challenge to put up but we managed and it is perfect. The day was great and we met some wonderful people. The boys were overjoyed at the whole experience and I went to bed that night extremely grateful that the tradition, although slightly different, was kept alive. The saddest part of this new beginning in my life is that I will miss out on a lot of the special times. This motivates me to create our own memories that I truly hope last a lifetime. The boys  seem to be adjusting well to our  new situation. Their living arrangement has settled down and they seem to like their new school as well. They have made me very proud with all they have been through.We have three weeks until the trial for custody and visitation. I am very nervous on how this will all pan out. I am hoping for the best but planning for the worst as they say.

The sad part of all this is the boys and how they will feel on Christmas morning. I really can’t get this out of my mind as the time grows near. I am sure they will be happy with what Santa has done this year. They told me they look forward to our visit. Maybe it is me I am worried about. This will be the very first Christmas in my life that I will be totally alone. I am not really sure what to expect after I take them home on Christmas Eve. I live pretty far from my home town and the thought of driving five hours is not appealing. I do not wish to be alone on this day though. Some friends have asked me to visit and it is what I should do. It’s hard to decide though. I still cannot imagine that special day without my boys. I realize I have much to be thankful for. I have good health, great kids and a good career. It could be worse and I know that I will survive. I have been blessed with much support from my group online and family as well.

So as I look at my tree and think “yup it’s just me”

I still feel lucky to be free……. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night…

This is me….http://www.facebook.com/#!/BuffalosJoeyI

My support group…..http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/DadsRightsCoalitionofNY/

And the page……http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Dads-Rights-Coalition-of-New-York/227778323947711

Buffalos Joey I

The insanity of the heart...

The madness and insanity
The fear and despair
Of ones heart being alone
Is almost too much to bear...
If only you knew
The wondrous love that awaits
And cared a little more
To accept ones fate
To take a leap of faith
Is all I ever asked
You shouldn't wait any longer
Let your heart become unmasked
Open up to it all
Do not be afraid anymore
One mustn't wait too long to fall
Because true love is at your hearts door...

Buffalos Joey l

The insanity of my smile...

It was once an everyday occurrence
And then you were gone
The hope you would return
Was a dream that would never spawn
In the face of depression, sadness and despair
I had no more feeling and really did not care.
Its now coming back,
albeit slow
New friendships shall be forged
This I do know
Saying goodbye to the past
is painful to bare
The insanity is,
not everyone will care
My smile is mine
The cost of it is free
I am sharing it willingly
Why don't you join me...

Buffalos Joey I

Simply put...

There is no other way
I refuse to sit back
I have something to say

Time is forever flying by
Waiting patiently for you
I hold back the tears and sigh

You are my dear
My everything forever
The loss of your love is what I fear

I am strong yet broken
Hurting in every way
These words are my small token

Simply put…
I love you

Buffalos Joey I

Giving up is no option...

Giving up is no option


They light up my weekend
Bringing joy and smiles
But something still isn't right as
happiness is gone after a short while

I am not geared to handle this
The loneliness and sorrow
It's not just them I miss
But warmth of another to borrow

Cold and alone for yet another night
Knowing I have so much to give
Hoping my tunnel will show me light
So I can learn again how too live.

Buffalosjoeyi
#savingmysanityoneblogatatime

Sleepless yet again...

Sleepless yet again...

As the night comes to an end
waiting, wanting and hoping so
all I wish for is a friend
and for a new love to grow

yes I am sleepless...

the pain is ever-growing
lingering and cold
I cant wait another night
I feel desperate and alone

and yes I am sleepless...

winter draws near
I feel ugly and unwanted
like the gray nights upon us
I can't go another night taunted

they are working now, i am sleepy

Buffalosjoeyi

Unfortunate...

Unfortunate...

Lost souls

Lonely nights

Forgotten again

Not a friend in sight
Feelings gone

Uncertainty abound

All the what ifs

I just want to be found...

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of the doubtful process...

It is no secret that we all have and feel doubt. It can become riveting to the extreme. Doubt can paralyze us into a sense of never-ending despair. Doubt is an emotion that can ward off most anything. So how can we finally cure ourselves of doubt and what is its true nemesis?

Trust... for when there is trust we leave no room for doubt.

Is the reason we have doubtful feelings because we do not trust, or cannot trust anyone or anything? Can we relearn how to trust, how to love like we have before? Or have we been conditioned by so much anger, hate, greed, pain, loneliness and evil that we will never trust nor love again? In order for ourselves to evaporate these feelings of the unwanted we must first have hope. Hope for a better today, hope for a better tomorrow. and hope for an eternal love. To wish for doubt to just disappear is an act of futility. We must be able to take a leap of faith, if we ever want to put our hearts in the hand of another, When we are well enough and healed enough to trust, only than can doubt be banished.

There is a process...

Doubt can destroy most anything if we let it. We must be strong and trust for this not to happen.  Can we trust if there is no hope? And where does this hope come from? It stems from our memories. We remember how things once were and we long for that feeling to return. In order for that feeling to come to fruition we cannot just dream for it, we must hope for it. Hope for a better future, a better life and a better love comes from a longing for that memory. When we allow that memory to bring hope, we can take that leap of faith to trust and when we trust there is no more doubt. Now that the doubt is erased, one can only then find true love. The insanity of it all is that we must relive this process if we are to ever experience that memory again... for it's the memory, then hope, then faith of trust that drives us from the darkness of doubt and into the light of true love...

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of quietness,,,

As the key slides into the front door and as I open it  up, I sigh. This has been my reality of many days past and I far as I see my future. The sigh is inevitable, it is a signal that once again I am all alone. I have found no solace in this deafening silence lately. It is fall and the season of gray but yet I see no change in sight. The loneliness seems to be getting to me more and more. I am allowed a brief reprieve only every other weekend when my world lights up like a christmas tree and my boys infiltrate the silence. As slow as that time comes it goes by in a flash and the cycle of silence begins again.

When I was younger I was always the life of the party. I was the smiling bartender that kept the peace, The good friend that always lent an ear. I never was alone and never needed to worry about the quiet. Now as I grow older I wonder what the next half of my life has in store for me. I realize that the boys will grow up faster than I want, so I try to have the most memorable fun I can while they are here. This will be short-lived soon it seems. I am faced with the reality that their Mom wants to move away. This will only intensify the quiet that is my life now. What then?  The thing is I miss the companionship of a woman. One whom I can make laugh and enjoy the adult times that so many of you take for granted. I do not mean this in a bad way. I just hear people complain about the menial things in life that someone like me actually misses. I know in my heart that the decisions of my past were the right ones. My relationship with my boys Mom was ruining everyone. We at least can talk civilly now which is a step in the right direction. The reality is though that Delaware County is quiet. I like the quiet at times but It sure would be nice to have the silence broken by someone I could call "babe" , make her laugh and share a meal with.

Many will read this and think..." boy would I kill for some quiet time" . Be careful of what you wish for my friends because sometimes the insanity is that the quietness is blaring, loud and unwanted. It would just be nice to say" um excuse be babe....your snoring again" lol .   I admit I am not wired for being alone so the season of gray is here and the weekend with my boys is near.

Buffalosjoeyi...

The insanity of pain...

She comes in many forms: mental, physical but most painfully emotional. The emotional pain felt when a loved one is hurting, straining and struggling to make it through any obstacle can be draining. I have felt this pain for weeks and months on end. It would be nice to see light at the end of the tunnel, yet the darkness intensifies. It becomes the cloud you learn to live with, the weight that your back and neck carry as if it is another extremity. The wanting for it to pass, to leave and never return never ceases. It is as if there will never be a tomorrow with the happiness you once held dear. You do what you can but to turn your back would be worse. I live with this and try to put up the front of a smiling, happy and interested soul. This is not the case. This intense pain it seems will hang around for as long as it will. It has become the struggle that makes all of life less interesting.

The ability to stay positive is trying at best. This is a must though as those that are close need to feel secure, loved and nurtured. I continue to do what I must, yet the pain inside with not subside. I sometimes feel like a part of me has died. The part of me that loved, laughed and made the time of day fly by. It is the feeling of loving and wanting that I miss most. Having someone that is in tune with what you want from life by your side making every moment all the more real. There are many forms of the internal pain we all live with. I guess it’s how you handle the pain that makes you who you are. We all have it and if not kept in check it really can become insane…

Buffalosjoeyi…

The insanity of the switch

They can be your everything...

and they could never be more...

they can be very believing...

but then they just walk out the door...

In the midst of our grief...

we get tangled in the notion...

that when our heart is shattered....

it was committed without emotion...

Now the days they shall pass...

and we hope they find a chance to heal...

but will they ever really realize...

this love was all they needed to feel...

So we move on with our lives...

we keep an open heart and mind...

hoping that the emptiness inside...

can be filled with love we know we'll find...

Buffalosjoeyi…

The insanity of it all...

There are decisions we all must make that truly are difficult. Mired in the emotions of ones heart, is the sensibility of it all. We know that when the decision is made it either just feels right or it haunts us for eternity. It is apparent that not every decision made from the shoulders up is the right one. If we choose to ignore our hearts our minds are left to make the logical, safe and somewhat easy choice. Decisions of the heart are never easy and always come at a cost. It is this cost we weigh so carefully. Remembering the pain and disappointment never is comfortable. The emotional toll we endure can best be described as the means to an end, but only if unconditional love ever finds it way back.  It easily washes away the frustration and is the cure-all for all that ails a broken heart, ... it only takes three words and a smile. So what if life threw a curve and offered you back what was once lost? What decision does one make? We often times float through our lives window shopping in a fantasy world where we belive that "what ifs",  "if I only did that" or maybe if i just said this all would have been mmmm. Truth be told, many of these fantasies never really come true. We wall in these dreams never sharing their true meaning to a single person. Its only when we look at ourselves in the mirror do we truly see the insanity of what we sometimes wish for. Ask yourself this: what if the world of fantasy did come around? What if all that was lost finally came back and asked for that chance you dreamed of while floating aimlessly in the clouds of doubt? Could you react and take a leap of faith or would you be so scared that the words yes could never even be muttered? The insanity of it all is that these chances rarely come our way, if and when they do, we need to act in heroic fashion. It may not be fair to others nor to loved ones but we get only one shot at this life and it was meant to be lived to its fullest. Say yes, jump hard and fast, breathe slowly and kiss deeply. For if they can make your world stop then the decision was right. Never pass up  the chance for that moment or regret can eat away and muddle that which is all around you. Be honest, truthful and above all never give up for if you do then the what ifs will haunt your every waking moment.And the truly insane thing is... we have all been there...

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of the recent past...

I have cried many tears,

ignored my horrible fears,

I am sober yet I am drowning in my sorrow.

Life could have been great,

but unforseen was my fate,

and i am still sitting, waiting for tomorrow.

I made promises I would have kept,

and dreamed about what ifs while i slept,

but the love in my heart you can no longer just borrow....

Buffalosjoeyi...

A Layered Vision...

A layered vision

In the midst of my dreams I am overcome with emotion…
I contemplate our love and the direction of your devotion.
If life were fairer we would feel fulfilled and content
But yet again our direction is one you want to reinvent.
Our past has been filled with a love for all time
But your vision of where we should go is so much different from mine.
If our dreams were ever to be as we once honestly meant
The cost of sleepless nights and the wondering would be spent
Holding each other and keeping our dream alive
And ensuring our love is true so that this love would thrive.

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of fear...

What keeps us from ever realizing our true potential? Is it the fear of pain, rejection or worse... true happiness? Maybe some in this chaotic world just can't handle the latter or better yet fear it. Bewildered by choices that life offers we often self destruct and in its wake is nothing short of sadness. By a simple expression of ones inner most thoughts, words can be twisted into almost any meaning others want to hear. Is this due to the conditioning of disappointment? Is it really true that intuition is ALWAYS RIGHT? Giving in to your inner demons and sharing true feelings can hurt those you see real potential in. When we say things before thinking, words that are heard are rarely forgotten. This is unfortunate. Sometimes we only listen to what we want because the fear inside us refuses to allow us to hear the whole story. There is always more to it if we hear the true meaning of these words. Sharing ones pain in the hopes of healing and trying to let go of the fear can be maddening. This world needs more people willing to share and also willing to be a part of the healing process. How many of us really has a person in our lives that knows it all about us? Is it impossible to get inside the minds of those around us, into this deep inner sanctum? Acting on intuition and speculation can limit the potential that a good thing just may be just that. When we find something worth exploring why do we choose to not fight for it? Is it the fear of opening up, being real and letting one inside our walls? Sometimes people say what their minds think and have to live with the consequences. Other times it would be nice if the words spoken could be understood or explored so they may learn exactly what makes one tick. The use of the L word is a most powerful tool. When one chooses to express themselves in this light the fear of rejection becomes consuming. Wanting to wait for the right time is truly ones choice. But more importantly the fear of having it stopped being heard is what keeps us from opening new doors and starting anew. The insanity of this notion is why some are never happy, others are alone yet for a choice few it is why they will not give up trying. They know that they will love again. Fear of rejection cannot be what keeps you quiet. The past is just that and it is there to be learned from. Do not let fear stand in your way of finding that diamond in the rough. It is a good thing to be honest and even better when you can admit your faults. Do not let the fear of the past keep you from a future that could be better than what your dreams have shown. It takes work from both parties to make it in this world together. We can all live in the past which is ripe with fear, pain and rejection.... Or we can ignore the insanity and ask forgiveness, hope for a chance, and maybe finally stand up and be heard.

Buffalosjoeyi

Love.Wanting.Waiting.Hope... a blue collar poem

Love.Wanting.Waiting.Hope...

Love...

It keeps you paralyzed by the phone,

Wanting for it to ring again sad you are alone.

Waiting for those special words you hold so dear,

Hoping to hear them again, yet this wish is unclear. 

Wanting...

The wanting  of your love you see

has started to get the very best of me. 

The hopes and dreams shared once long ago 

Are now the only  memories I care to know.

Waiting...

It is the time we spend within our minds 

when we realize this world can be cruel and unkind.

Waiting  for something that seems so ever far away

its the tiime and place unknown that keeps this love at bay.

Hope...

With uncertainty shimmering and clouding all hope

the past remains true and the future a slippery slope.

we cannot let the fear of the unknown discourage our life

because two hearts deserve to be one and become man and wife.

These words are spoken so that it can be known 

As time goes on, with our love, we are never truly alone...

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of regret...

Life at times is unfair, its painful and its well.... life. Everyday we are faced with choices that may or may not be good for us. We follow our heart when we should follow our head and vice versa. Many times we make the wrong choice for what we believe are the right reasons. Maybe we trade short-term happiness for the unknown, other times we wait too long and miss out on pure bliss. Why do we let what we cannot have become such an impactful barrier? Knowing what we want is only half of the battle. We need assistance in making our dreams reality and finding the other half. If one is not ready when the other is we risk becoming irrelevant to the rest of what life offers. Knowing this, the decisions become paralyzing. Giving everything you have to ones heart is the equivalent to being stranded in a storm.  You spend what feels like an eternity looking for that ray of light, hoping for the best but always preparing for yourself for what seems inevitable. The loss of a piece of ones heart. Is walking away from what could be the best thing in your life a choice worth pondering? Can the pain ever again be replaced with something better? It seems the insanity and fear of regret can keep us from truly experiencing a love that could stand the test of time. Is the short-term pain worth the effort one must give for that feeling? Only those whom have experienced that unadulterated feeling can accurately answer this. Once bitten by the bug of true, unconditional love and crushed by its loss can we understand the gravity of these decisions life asks us so boldly to answer. We never forget the pain, yet we long for that feeling of becoming one with another just like we remember. Walking away from a chance to have what we've known is the regret we all fear. The insanity of it all is sometimes we know its best but never bother to care. We take that leap of faith knowing that in the end the pain with surface... or will this time be different? Being afraid to love again is ok, being scared is fine too, however the fear of regret cannot be the driver that steers you out of that storm. We must be willing to experience the possibility of excruciating pain over and over again  in hopes of finding that which we spend a lifetime looking for. If we don't then we actually do become irrelevant.

Buffalosjoeyi