Sleepless yet again...

Sleepless yet again...

As the night comes to an end
waiting, wanting and hoping so
all I wish for is a friend
and for a new love to grow

yes I am sleepless...

the pain is ever-growing
lingering and cold
I cant wait another night
I feel desperate and alone

and yes I am sleepless...

winter draws near
I feel ugly and unwanted
like the gray nights upon us
I can't go another night taunted

they are working now, i am sleepy

Buffalosjoeyi

Unfortunate...

Unfortunate...

Lost souls

Lonely nights

Forgotten again

Not a friend in sight
Feelings gone

Uncertainty abound

All the what ifs

I just want to be found...

Buffalosjoeyi

I Dare You...

I dare you...

I dare you make me smile and blush...

I dare you to be happy

I dare you to love again

I dare you to be fullfilled

I dare you to live again

I dare you to be that special person with me

I dare you to open up

I dare you to one day be whole again

I dare you to be yourself with me

I dare you to be mine...

The insanity of the doubtful process...

It is no secret that we all have and feel doubt. It can become riveting to the extreme. Doubt can paralyze us into a sense of never-ending despair. Doubt is an emotion that can ward off most anything. So how can we finally cure ourselves of doubt and what is its true nemesis?

Trust... for when there is trust we leave no room for doubt.

Is the reason we have doubtful feelings because we do not trust, or cannot trust anyone or anything? Can we relearn how to trust, how to love like we have before? Or have we been conditioned by so much anger, hate, greed, pain, loneliness and evil that we will never trust nor love again? In order for ourselves to evaporate these feelings of the unwanted we must first have hope. Hope for a better today, hope for a better tomorrow. and hope for an eternal love. To wish for doubt to just disappear is an act of futility. We must be able to take a leap of faith, if we ever want to put our hearts in the hand of another, When we are well enough and healed enough to trust, only than can doubt be banished.

There is a process...

Doubt can destroy most anything if we let it. We must be strong and trust for this not to happen.  Can we trust if there is no hope? And where does this hope come from? It stems from our memories. We remember how things once were and we long for that feeling to return. In order for that feeling to come to fruition we cannot just dream for it, we must hope for it. Hope for a better future, a better life and a better love comes from a longing for that memory. When we allow that memory to bring hope, we can take that leap of faith to trust and when we trust there is no more doubt. Now that the doubt is erased, one can only then find true love. The insanity of it all is that we must relive this process if we are to ever experience that memory again... for it's the memory, then hope, then faith of trust that drives us from the darkness of doubt and into the light of true love...

Buffalosjoeyi

The insanity of quietness,,,

As the key slides into the front door and as I open it  up, I sigh. This has been my reality of many days past and I far as I see my future. The sigh is inevitable, it is a signal that once again I am all alone. I have found no solace in this deafening silence lately. It is fall and the season of gray but yet I see no change in sight. The loneliness seems to be getting to me more and more. I am allowed a brief reprieve only every other weekend when my world lights up like a christmas tree and my boys infiltrate the silence. As slow as that time comes it goes by in a flash and the cycle of silence begins again.

When I was younger I was always the life of the party. I was the smiling bartender that kept the peace, The good friend that always lent an ear. I never was alone and never needed to worry about the quiet. Now as I grow older I wonder what the next half of my life has in store for me. I realize that the boys will grow up faster than I want, so I try to have the most memorable fun I can while they are here. This will be short-lived soon it seems. I am faced with the reality that their Mom wants to move away. This will only intensify the quiet that is my life now. What then?  The thing is I miss the companionship of a woman. One whom I can make laugh and enjoy the adult times that so many of you take for granted. I do not mean this in a bad way. I just hear people complain about the menial things in life that someone like me actually misses. I know in my heart that the decisions of my past were the right ones. My relationship with my boys Mom was ruining everyone. We at least can talk civilly now which is a step in the right direction. The reality is though that Delaware County is quiet. I like the quiet at times but It sure would be nice to have the silence broken by someone I could call "babe" , make her laugh and share a meal with.

Many will read this and think..." boy would I kill for some quiet time" . Be careful of what you wish for my friends because sometimes the insanity is that the quietness is blaring, loud and unwanted. It would just be nice to say" um excuse be babe....your snoring again" lol .   I admit I am not wired for being alone so the season of gray is here and the weekend with my boys is near.

Buffalosjoeyi...

The insanity of pain...

She comes in many forms: mental, physical but most painfully emotional. The emotional pain felt when a loved one is hurting, straining and struggling to make it through any obstacle can be draining. I have felt this pain for weeks and months on end. It would be nice to see light at the end of the tunnel, yet the darkness intensifies. It becomes the cloud you learn to live with, the weight that your back and neck carry as if it is another extremity. The wanting for it to pass, to leave and never return never ceases. It is as if there will never be a tomorrow with the happiness you once held dear. You do what you can but to turn your back would be worse. I live with this and try to put up the front of a smiling, happy and interested soul. This is not the case. This intense pain it seems will hang around for as long as it will. It has become the struggle that makes all of life less interesting.

The ability to stay positive is trying at best. This is a must though as those that are close need to feel secure, loved and nurtured. I continue to do what I must, yet the pain inside with not subside. I sometimes feel like a part of me has died. The part of me that loved, laughed and made the time of day fly by. It is the feeling of loving and wanting that I miss most. Having someone that is in tune with what you want from life by your side making every moment all the more real. There are many forms of the internal pain we all live with. I guess it’s how you handle the pain that makes you who you are. We all have it and if not kept in check it really can become insane…

Buffalosjoeyi…

The insanity of the switch

They can be your everything...

and they could never be more...

they can be very believing...

but then they just walk out the door...

In the midst of our grief...

we get tangled in the notion...

that when our heart is shattered....

it was committed without emotion...

Now the days they shall pass...

and we hope they find a chance to heal...

but will they ever really realize...

this love was all they needed to feel...

So we move on with our lives...

we keep an open heart and mind...

hoping that the emptiness inside...

can be filled with love we know we'll find...

Buffalosjoeyi…